First Disappointment

So far, I've been a pretty boring pregnant person- wasn't sick, no cravings, etc. Things have been going along pretty smoothly. Doc says my weight gain is good, although I feel like I'm way bigger than most people who are 6 months pregnant. Everything seems to be developing the way it's supposed to. He (who still does not have a name) moves around and kicks a lot. He even kicked the Doppler (used to listen to his heartbeat) off my stomach last week at the doctor. All has been good in Baby T world. This mama needs to work on her iron levels, but little guy is fine.

Then, last week, it was time for the glucose screening test. For those who aren't sure what that means, it's where they check pregnant women for gestational diabetes. You go in, drink this overly sweet orange drink, wait an hour and have some blood drawn. Yesterday, I got the call that my number was  higher than they were comfortable with and that I needed to come to do the 2nd test next week (same general process except you have to fast for 12 hours before, get to have more blood drawn and it lasts 3 hours instead of 1). Yay! Not.

And so, in my pregnancy hormone laden state, with no students because of a snow day, I sat at my desk and cried. And cried. And pulled myself together. And then cried some more. Most of the time I'm able to rationalize myself out of the crying thing, telling myself that it's just hormones. But it wasn't happening yesterday. In fact, I'm pretty sure that if I had been at home and not at work, I would have crawled into bed and bawled. All I could think about is that I've not been eating right and now I'm putting our little guy at risk. Even though it's "only" gestational diabetes, I have set our son up for a lifetime of worries concerning will he or won't he develop Type 2 Diabetes since research has linked the two. The first couple of websites I looked at said the number one cause of GD is an obese mother. I knew I didn't lose the weight that I needed to before I got pregnant, have I now caused this problem for my son? I felt like a complete failure of a mother.

Now, after I got the crying out of my system and was able to think rationally again, I first reminded myself that I don't actually know that I have gestational diabetes, only that my sugar number was a little high on this particular test. So, I read online about glucose screenings and gestational diabetes. The nurse I spoke to on the phone said that our doctors like to see a number under 130 and that mine was around 141 (I don't remember exactly; I was a little devastated at the time). According to online sources, the "acceptable" number completely depends upon the doctor. Some doctors say as long as it is under 150, everything is fine. My doctors, apparently, just tend to lean with a lower number. Also, a relatively large percentage of women who "fail" the first test have no problems when it comes to the longer test. Only about 4-6 percent of pregnant women wind up having gestational diabetes, according to one source. And, even if I do have it, a large percentage of women with GD are able to treat it with diet changes, without medication.

I am incredibly thankful that I was able to take a step back and find a rational place to stand. I'm choosing to focus on the fact that the doctors have said that Wookiee is growing just fine and has a great heartbeat. I am thankful that modern medicine is able to identify problems and help us treat them rather than allowing them to because life threatening issues. I am thankful that this is the first bump we've had along the way and that we have been blessed with an easy pregnancy so far. In my rational state, I know that there will be other bumps to come, before he gets here and after. He is a boy, a Totherow at that, so I know he'll fall and get hurt and I'll feel like a failure then too. And I know that there will be many times throughout his life and the lives of any other future children that I will miss what I felt like was the mark and will be sad and upset with myself. But that is part of parenting, or so I'm told. I'm excited to be starting this adventure with this little guy and I know that he is going to teach me so much about myself that I am unaware of.

Side note- I'm guessing with the impending ice storm, we may be finishing the painting part of the nursery in the next couple of days. Maybe by the end of the weekend we'll have a crib in place. I'll post some pictures soon!